No, They’re Just Talking About You…
Published by Toni October 9th, 2006 in Uncategorized.Have you ever been in a situation where the people around you are speaking in a language you don’t understand? I don’t mean strangers you encounter while walking down the street. I’m talking about people you actually have some affiliation with: your co-workers, classmates, maybe even your spouse’s relatives. How does it make you feel when they do that?
I’ve always found it incredibly rude when people do that. Yes, I understand that there are a few viable reasons why your peers sometimes speak in their own language:
1.) Their English isn’t the greatest and feel that it’s easier to speak in their own language.
2.) They’re discussing something personal they don’t want anyone else to hear, like a yeast infection or something.
3.) They really are talking about you and don’t want you to hear what they’re saying.
But what happens when none of these situations apply?
This weekend my boyfriend and I attended the wedding of one of his co-workers. Now, the wedding guests were predominantly Chinese. I think out of 150 people, only 10 were not Chinese. Although some efforts were made to accommodate the English speaking guests (having the ceremony in English; hiring a White DJ for the reception), it was clear early on that we would spend most of the time not understanding what anyone was saying, and we grudginly accepted that.
Naturally there were other co-workers at the wedding, and we shared a table with them. Unfortunately, EVERYONE except us was Chinese and elected to speak Chinese the entire time. The kicker was that these people aren’t old folks who just came from Mainland China. These were young people who were fluent in both English and Chinese, and had no problem speaking either language. However, in spite of them knowing that my boyfriend and I didn’t speak a lick of Chinese, they continued merrily along yammering in that language. Although I didn’t understand what they were saying, it’s clear that they weren’t following the 3 stipulations I presented above. So why do it?
I found it really rude that they would treat my boyfriend, their fellow co-worker, in such a manner. Sure, every now and then they’d talk in English to him and with each other, but not nearly enough. I know they’re not like his best friends or anything, but it’s just inconsiderate to people around them. If you have no problems speaking in English, why alienate others around you? It made my boyfriend feel that he didn’t belong at that table, and we left early.
Of course, Chinese people aren’t the only ones guilty of this. People of different ethnicities do this over and over. Maybe in a way, they feel like they can say whatever the hell they want without offending anyone else. Maybe they’re just more comfortable in their second lanaguage, regardless of how good their English is. Maybe it’s a way to create a barrier between “them” and “us”, the in-group vs. the out-group: people who don’t speak their language are outsiders and don’t belong. They don’t deserve to hear what they’re saying.
Admittedly then, I tend to feel smug when I hear a group of Filipinos yakking loudly amongst each other in Tagalog, oblivious to everyone else around them. I just think to myself, “Laugh it up, motherfuckers. I can understand every single word you’re saying.”
language, English, foreign, outsider, alienate, wedding, ethnicity
7 Responses to “No, They’re Just Talking About You…”
Leave a Reply
Note: If your response doesn't show up right away, it's possible that my Akismet spam catcher accidentally caught it. Don't worry, I'll rescue it from the moderation bin so there's no need for you to resend it.
That happened to me and my sister, too, when we went to Germany for my high school friend’s wedding. She’s obviously fully integrated into a life there and all of her friends she met there are German-speaking and Canada is a lifetime ago. It’s a shame because weddings are an occasion to get to know the circle that the wedding couple considers closest but you don’t understand what is going on.
Fortunately, my friend’s best friend liked me and my sister and/or felt an obligation to include us and flexed his English-language muscles and kept us in the loop. Otherwise, the other guests probably thought my sister and I (and you and your boyfriend) are company enough to not have to got *that length* to talk to you. It may have been different if you had arrived at the wedding alone and visibly did not speak Chinese.
We also plaster a smile on our face as if the language does not bother us so no one’s going to digress from their social circle to inquire if you’re feeling alright in the situation.
I’m tempted to say that Chinese people can be worse about this but that’s from being in such a circle and not often wandering into another circle. Even if you’re fluent in English and your “native” language, speaking English is *just*not*cool*. That’s my take on it.
I think it depends on context. In a setting such as a wedding, it might be a rare opportunity for many of them to speak in Chinese to others with out having to worry what others think. Because a wedding is a cultural event, I think the cultural theme would be appropriate. However, if this were a dinner at a household, the culture of the guests should carry more significance. Not taking the extra consideration at a household dinner would be an obvious signal of rejection from a group. Where as in a wedding situation, you are invited into the group, but I don’t think the groups unwillingness to compromise their world is an indication that one is unwelcome. There is more pressure for the guests to honor and put up with the wishes of the hosts. For instance, I don’t think it would be reasonable for christian weddings to have ritual sacrifices so their pagan guests feel at home. Sure, some ritual sacraficing might be nice and polite, but you know, it’s their coffee table.
Wyn- I don’t know what would have happened had my boyfriend (who is white) had come to the wedding alone. Would his co-workers made a greater effort to speak more often in English? I doubt it.
Actually, I think they would have spoken more English had there been more non-Chinese at the table. There was a Mexican co-worker at the wedding as well, but he was seated at a different table. I think that had he been sitting there with us, the Chinese co-workers may have been a little more inclined to speak more often in English.
Drogulus- I get what you mean about the context. I understand that one goes with the flow with the cultural surroundings. This wasn’t the first Chinese wedding I’ve been to, and I’ve been to a Japanese and a Mexican wedding before, so I was prepared not to understand much of what was going on.
But like I said, at our table in particular, our tablemates work with my boyfriend. They were all in their mid-to-late 20s and completely bilingual. I just didn’t get why they chose to speak predominantly in Chinese instead when they knew that not everyone at the table spoke it. Whenever they would laugh, we didn’t know why they were laughing. My boyfriend could see them laughing with each other, and he just felt left out.
Me Chinese. Me play joke…
It can’t be helped, because it feels awkward to speak English towards fellow chinese. The jokes are different, the emotions are different.
After observing this phenomenom for a while, I came to the realization that it is because of the established language between people. Surely, if you’ve speaked french with your friend since the beginning, you’d feel strange suddenly having to speak deutch between you two.
Frankly speaking, you two aren’t the focus of the night and the focus isn’t to please you or feel rude about speaking in the language that feels most natural.
This happened to me too! I was at the 3rd street promenade with a girl who was my best friend since 3rd grade. We stopped at a bookstore and she started talking to some guy who was asking for money for a bus or something. Anyhow, he spoke only spanish. My friend, who we will call Tonita, is filipino but knows a little spanish. I’m part mexican but know very few words in spanish. So she strikes up a conversation in spanish and proceeds to talk to this stranger for nearly half an hour while I stand there smiling like an idiot and a disgrace to my heritage. THANKS A LOT TONITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Ya
Ariel