Kaonashi Ga Suki

Today while I was paying for my lunch at the campus restaurant, the cashier asked me, “What do you believe in?”

I didn’t quite hear her at first and thought she was asking me what meal I ordered (it was in a styrofoam box).

She gestured to my shirt, which featured a video game character and the phrase, “I believe” and repeated, “What do you believe in?”

I smiled and said, “Um, aliens?” to which she replied, “Ah. Do you really think that they exist?”

Not wanting to sound foolish, I diplomatically answered, “I really don’t know. Perhaps not in the movie sense as we know it, but maybe.”

She then explained that she believed that we can’t possibly be the only life out there in the universe, that there has to be life somewhere else. However, she didn’t think that aliens have been here for thousands of years and that they’ve been controlling us.

We continued our conversation about life in other planets for a little while longer when she suddenly then asked, “Where do you think we go when we die?”

“Being that I’m Catholic, I believe we go to Heaven,” I answered.

“Ah, well as long as you behave, right?” she teased.

We then started talking about the concept of heaven, and life after death. Our conversation was interrupted when she received a phone call.

I started thinking about our conversation- not about aliens, but about life and death. It struck close to home because of what I’ve been feeling lately.

Over the past several months, I’ve been preoccupied with the concept of death. Rather, what happens after we die. As a Catholic, I’ve been taught about Heaven and Hell. However, as someone who questions everything, I can’t help but wonder- what if this wasn’t true? What if when we die, that’s it? We cease to exist. Forever. It really depresses me to think this way.

I know it sounds silly to be thinking about this sort of thing at a young age. I’m only 29, after all. But someday I’ll be 39, then 69, then finally- I won’t be anything at all. I will be dust.

If there really is no Heaven and Hell, then life is a lot more precious than we really think. It’s also very fragile and fleeting. Thousands of people die every day, at all ages. It’s sad to think that once they’re gone, they’re gone in every way. No ghost, no spirit, nothing. Sometimes I wonder- what’s the point of our goals, our aspirations? What good is it to go to college, get married, find a good paying job, etc., if we’re all going to die someday? When you’re dead, your education doesn’t matter. Your money doesn’t matter. Your house, your problems with your boss won’t matter.

I can’t fathom the idea that someday my consciousness will cease. I can’t fathom not being able to think, to dream, to feel emotions.

I prefer to believe that we all go somewhere when we die, and that we’ll be reunited with our friends and relatives.

I have to believe in something like that.

belief, aliens, hell, heaven, death, life