Random Chuck Norris Facts
Published by Toni December 11th, 2005 in Uncategorized.UPDATE #2: Ok, this has been a fun ride, but I think the time has come to close the comments section for this post. I know I don’t have 900 comments like Mike, but I feel that it’s starting to get a bit out of hand.
Thanks everyone for participating. Your Chuck Norris facts have all been great!
UPDATE: Since this has been such a popular post, I’m going to keep it as a sticky for a little while.
Here’s a challenge for you guys: In addition to just using the facts from the website, post some of your own as well! 
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Ok, I’ve seen these appear in about 2 blogs now, so I couldn’t help but write about it myself. Hell, I even use the same picture since it’s the most badass looking picture of Chuck Norris I could find while searching on both Google and Yahoo.
There’s this website where you can read and write random facts about Chuck Norris. Most are funny as hell.
Here’s some examples:
- There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris’s body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.
- For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’ shit is collected and sold as “Quick Start” fire logs.
- Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.
- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
- It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he won’t tell because he doesn’t want anyone to find the body.
- Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.
- Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.
- Chuck Norris had sex with a bear… from the INSIDE.
- Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
- Chuck Norris’ left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.
- Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.
- Chuck Norris’ ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris’ balls.
- Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
142 Responses to “Random Chuck Norris Facts”
- 1 Pingback on Dec 13th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
- 2 Pingback on Jan 6th, 2006 at 2:48 pm
- 3 Pingback on Jan 11th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
That was really funny! Here’s a true Chuck Norris fact. He’s really short! which is really cool, becaus eI think short people kick ass!
My best friend just sent me a Mr. T list like that; it must have been made by the same person. The Mr. T one mentions Chuck Norris a few times.
I knew he was a badass. But damn, that’s a bad mofo.
If chuck norris was born again he’d be black.
The people go to church every sunday. The preist prays to God every sunday. God prays to Chuck Norris twenty-four hours a day.
The region of Chuck Norris’ birth is unknown. The best bet is heaven.
Chuck Norris doesn’t real books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Chuck Norris allows women to have sex with them he pulls out and the women still have twins.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection……….no one survived!
When Chuck Norris was born he immediatetly has sex with his nurse, by that time it was already the 5th woman he had sex with
ANDREW PFEIFER WHIPPED CHUCK NORRIS BECAUSE HE INSULTED HIS CRANK
Chuck Norris is so tough that God says”OH MY CHUCK!!!!!!!!!
Chuck Norris makes Pfeifers toe look small
The Jewish Faith believe that their messiah has not yet come, in reality Chuck Norris has not revealed himself to his true calling
The theory of intelligent design suggests that we are created by a divine source. Chuck Norris is proof that there is no greater divine.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris fears the dark , but because the dark fears
Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris was never born: instead the Earth was born from Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were to die there would be an apocalypse. As a result of having said this, it is safe to say that there will never be an apocalypse.
There are only two things that can stop you from being killed by Chuck Norris. Either his profane roundhouse misses your face completely, or you die even before his roundhouse is able to come within 50 miles of where you helpless body stands out of plain fear. Unluckily, both of these cannot be taken seriously because Chuck never misses, and because you would not have adequate time to die before Chuck’s lightening fast roundhouse dismantles your entire skull from where it rests on your worthless self.
During the times of ancient Egypt, Chuck Norris single-handedly built the Great Pyramid of Giza, claiming that the only reason it is still standing today, is because he used the otherwise useless Egyptians as mortar between the blocks of limestone, which he added were not all that heavy too carry even as he was using his free arm to hold a beer. Chuck Norris also invented beer long before anyone else did.
LOL! These are great you guys. Keep ‘em coming!
The only plausible way that Chuck Norris could ever die would be if the universe collapsed in on itself after having to bear the weight of the existence of Chuck Norris. Even then, he still might live.
Nobody could serve as the reincarnation of Chuck Norris except for maybe Chuck Norris. And trust me, this one would be X times greater than the first. X equals Chuck Norris’s age when he dies, which won’t be anytime soon.
One time, Chuck Norris shot at a man, only to decide as the bullet was discharging from his gun, that he would have preferred to roundhouse kick him in the face. He then went on to charge at the man, perform a flying roundhouse, and evade the path of the bullet which he had shot just 0.23 seconds earlier. I have to warn you that there is about a 100% chance that this is true.
Chuck Norris’s bullet-proof vest consists of a thin layer of corkboard. This was designed so that he could post intimidating images of himself flexing his muscles for all his opponents to see.
Chuck Norris has withstood the heat of sun while you were complaining that it is 95 degrees outside. I’ve yet to tell you that Chuck Norris was literally standing on the sun.
If you wake up in the middle of the night dead, you know for a fact that Chuck Norris has come to visit you in your sleep. And that he stole all of your beer, too.
Chuck Norris doesn’t kill because he has to, but because it is a necessity in order for him to live. If Chuck Norris were to go about 1 hour without taking life, then, he would take his own by roundhouse kicking a boulder onto himself. It is heavily disputed as to whether this could ever happen though because it conflicts with Newton’s gravity thoery, stating that a boulder or anything else could not fall on top of Chuck since gravity cannot perform a negative outcome on him. This also explains how Chuck was able to fall from the earth’s stratosphere without sustaining anymore damage than a broken fingernail. That fingernail is presently being auctioned at a starting bid of 48 billion dollars. Chuck Norris is also requesting a patent on gravity, which he will receive whenever he decides to buy out the patenting business with all the money he has made from selling his fingernail.
When in combat and under heavy fire, Chuck Norris wears a bullet proof vest. Not because he’s afraid the bullets will kill him, but because he’s a little ticklish.
The reason the Americans lost their only war is because Chuck Norris was on vacation in Vietnam in the early 70s, and told the choppers to “pipe it down up there, I’m trying to sleep.â€
THE DEVIL SOLD HIS SOUL TO CHUCK NORRIS
If you see Chuck Norris flex without eye protection you could go blind
Chuck Norris invented Water
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
LOL…my boyfriend just came up with one.
Chuck Norris can use Windows 95 without it crashing.
Chuck Norris has enough back strenght to bang Rosie O Donnel, no man or lesbian have ever lived through this tragic action
(Example) The real reason Rick James died was because he had to go for leasbians because he was beating too many whores….Rosie O Donnel made Rick become paralyzed from neck down and he eventually died
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. if you cant see Chuck Norris, you might only be seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris once bled when he was eating, the blood fell into a cup and Chuck thought it was ketchup…he then put it on his fries. After that he grew wings and flew away. So the people at the scientific studies facility named it Red Bull, Red Bull gives you wings! (referring to Chuck Norris)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a baby elephant into puberty
When the Earth was created there stood two men, God & Chuck Norris. You don’t see God around anymore.
Here’s another one from my boyfriend:
The first Justice League of America was composed entirely of Chuck Norris.
Here’s another from my bf:
On day 0, Chuck Norris created God, and the roundhouse kick. And Chuck Norris saw that the roundhouse kick was good.
yo stfu your making chuck norris and round house kicks have a bad name..so cut dat shit out nig lips. before chuck roundhouses your boyfriend and makes you give him a fuckin jelly doughnut.
LOL. That last post is just too strange and pathetic. Thanks for stopping by, troll.
Chuck Norris caught all pokemon in 2.7 seconds and isn’t willing to trade any.
Ever hear of Ground Chuck Beef? Chuck Norris invented it, while we all know perfectly well he could have just roundhouse kicked a slab off for a steak, he was particularly angry at this specific cow, mainly because it’s name too was chuck and he found this cow to be unworthy of such a godly name. He then instead decided to mutilate it’s entire body, which then he pounded into patties and ate the entire batch, at once.
Their were Only 2 Organisms living.. Beard And Muscle.. They concieved Chuck Norris.. Not god
F***ing Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris could kill everyone in the world with a roundhouse if he wanted to but he doesn’t because he already has then he revived them all
The Ninth Rule Of Fight Club………..DO NOT talk about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not need to masturbate, he either has any women he wants or simply wills himself to have an orgasm.
Chuck Norris only has four fingers on each hand, because he scared the pinkie fingers into detachinig themselves.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a nun in alabama. He was in texas at the time.
Space is expanding in a worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris.
It is always said that the grass is greener on the other side, unless Chuck has been there. In that case it would be only blood and tears.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer, to bad he’s never cried…
There are no troops in Afghanistan… just Chuck Norris. That is why Bin Laden is in hiding. Of course, Chuck Norris knows where he is, but Chuck’s just toying with Bin Laden.
The saying ‘you are what you eat’ applies to Chuck Norris whose diet consists of bricks, steel, and the tears of children.
The iceberg that hit The Titanic was actually kilometres away from the boat. But at the same time Chuck Norris was training laps. He simply hit the iceberg with his shoulder 0.25 seconds before it hit the side of Titanic…
Chuck Norris does not believe in God, God believes in Chuck Norris
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? Well actually if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
- Created by Travis Dultz 1/9/05
Chuck Norris is so tough that he blows bubbles with beef jerkey.
Chuck Norris eats porcupine sandwiches for lunch and then pops in a piece of barbed wire after.
When Chuck Norris eats a cucumber he shits out a pickle.
Chuck Norris can’t do a backflip; He doesn’t need to. The world backflips around Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris first recorded karate chop and roundhouse kick was executed at birth, the unfortunate recipient was the doctor who had smacked him moments earlier.
one time chuck norris wanted to see if he could kick his own ass, he then cloned himself. the result was the ice age.
Chuck Norris is a tripod
that reincarnation one by dylan had me laughin hard
I have a site for these… you can add your own facts to the site too.
Check it out here if you want:
http://ChuckNorrisIsGod.com
you don’t tug on supermans cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off the ol’ lone ranger and you don’t mess around with chuck norris.
Everytime you see a shooting star, it’s just some poor sap re-entering Earth’s atmosphere after being round housed by Chuck Norris.
Everytime Chuck Norris throws a round house, an angel gets its wings.
Chuck Norris is his own father.
When Chuck Norris was circumcised, a small slap was heard as the doctor was round housed by the foreskin.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a dinosaur about 65 million years ago. Never again.
Steven Seagal uses one of Chuck Norris’ ball sack hairs to tie back his pony tail….from which all his martial arts power derives
Chuck Norris has gotten every Jepordy question right, Jesus got 2 wrong…
Iv’e seen chuck norris kill a man by blinking.
chuck norris shaves his beard with a chainsaw
God was going to send Chuck Norris down to Earth to be the savior of man. But he knew Chuck Norris would never die on the cross, so he sent Jesus instead.
Chuck Norris can solve a rubik’s cube with one swooping round-house kick
Chuck Norris once ran a red light and smashed into Goldberg’s car. Goldberg pissed himself, then immediately got out of the car and said he was sorry. But that wasnt good enough so Chuck Norris ripped out Goldberg’s shoulder muscles and had his late afternoon snack.
Chuck Norris can finish “Diablo II” on Nightmare mode with a level One character.
Chuck Norris can floss his teeth with flossers.
Chuck Norris anus is so tight that not even an atom of hydrogen can escape.
There used to not be any waves in the ocean. They started occuring when Chuck Norris did a round-house kick inside the water over in the Gulf of Finland–in water that only Chuck Norris could handle. Within three seconds, massive waves starting hitting the shores of inland surfing paradises all of the world. Surfers can thank Chuck Norris for that–among everything else. You that that Tsunami was due to an error in gravitational pull? Forget about it. Chuck Norris had a rare sneeze when a swarm of 210,000 killer bees went up his nose.
When the BoodyMan goes to bed he looks under his bed and in his closet for Chuck Noris!
Chuck norris only has children when hes hungry.
By just looking at a woman, chuck norris makes her orgasm, get pregnent, give birth, and become HIV positive at the same time.
Chuck Norris. Enough said.
Chuck Norris once gave birth to a live porccupine after having sex with Vin Desiel.
The reason there are schools, churches & Libraries Is because Chuck Norris was tired.
chuck norris invented the internet
Chuck norris can throw something up and it Won’t come down.
There is no Mother Nature. There is only Chuck Norris mood that day
Someone should tell chuck norris about these websites
Chuck Norris created murphys law !!!
If Chuch Norris can’t do it………………never mind.
According the Chuck Norris there are two kinds of people in this world, those who’s asses he’s kicked and those who’s will.
Chuck Norris once dared man to create a decimal number with over 5 billion digets. One man did so……chuck Norris continued to divide that number with the mans tears.
Chuck Norris doesn’t like honey, he prefers live bees
Chuck Norris cannot simply “pick on someone his own size,” because no such creature still exists.
“London Bridge Is Falling Down” is a chant first heard at Chuck Norris’s first visit to Britain
Chuck Norris voted for Bush
In Starwars Jedi derive their power from “the force.” “The Force” is just a short word for Chuck Norris
“….and the great Chuck said, ‘and thou shalt not have any Chucks besides me….’” (Norris 3:16)
oh yeah that i posted tw up is supposed to be……
In Starwars Jedi derive their power from “the force.†“The Force†is just a short word for “Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris likes cats….especiallly with mayo
All of these facts are based on true, scienific results
chuck norris invented running to make it more of a challenge to kill people
Shortly after Chuck Norris was born he tried to shave his manly beard but found the razor snapped. Since then Chuck Norris sharpens his killing knives on his beard
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
once there was a man who submitted an insult about chuck norris the only problem was the instant the man pressed enter he recieved a fatal roundhouse kick to the face chuck norris then ran faster then the speed of light and caught the submission and retieved it
chuck norris isnt sacreligous becuase many consider him god
It’s a common misconception that compasses point north; compasses point Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris is so manly he shits standing up
Chuck Norris once played a game of splash in the ocean off the cost of Africa you may know it as hurricane Katrina.
Don vito is the only known living survivor of chuck norris’s roundhouse kick
I wanna be like Chuck Norris….screw Michael Jordan!
For thousands of years, Chuck Norris’s penis has been terrorizing the Loch Ness.
This comment published on behalf of Matt Bailey who is no longer with us: Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked me in the face.
Chuck Norris simultaneously competed against 14 different people in a staring contest and still won.
Chuck Norris ripped a phone book in half, but not before successfully memorizing every digit it contained in its exact order.
The earth spins on its axis because Chuck Norris is running.
Chuck Norris soaks his dollar bills in a mixture of blood and tears and then pastes his own portrait on them before spending any of his money. This process is the only one that increases the cash value of a single dollar by 100 percent.
When Chuck Norris drives, the odometer counts backwards.
All businesses accept Chuck Norris’s beard shavings as proper payment. As a formality, he is then always asked whether or not he would like to keep the day’s profits. In response to this question, Chuck Norris kindly removes their head from their still-standing corpse and impales it on his penis. Thus is the procedure that must be followed when Chuck Norris purchases something.
When Chuck Norris drives the odometer counts backwards.
Chuck Norris once ripped a phone book in half, but not before successfully memorizing every digit it contained in its precise order.
The earth spins on its axis becuase Chuck Norris is running.
Chuck Norris simultaneously competed in a staring contest against 14 other people and still managed to win.
Chuck Norris soaks his money in a special mixture of blood and tears, then pastes his own portrait on it befor he goes spending any. This process is the only one that will increase the cash value of a single dollar by 64%.
Chuck Norris is dealt blackjack every single time. In case if doesn’t, however, he can still choose to slice the dealer’s neck with an ordinary playing card. This rule applies to Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris only.
The Berlin Wall did not fall because of any govermental issues. Chuck Norris just got bored of roundhouse kicking people and decided to move toward massive walls.
The only reason saddam was hiding ina hole was because he found out they where sending chuck norris.
Chuck norris can do a BACKflip and go foward.
One time rick james said *iam chuck norris bitch!!!!!!* may he R.I.P
Chuck norris cannot be shot by a bullet but a bullet can be shot AT by chuck norris
Chuck norris’s seimen became proactiv.
Chuck norris can luagh in face of danger becuase danger is shitting on itself.
Chuck Norris once impregnated two convents full of nuns. Out of the first came the ninjas, and out of the second came the pirates.
yeh this one is for the jamaicans
gays don’t have rights chuck norris kills them all!!!
humans don’t have free will, we only have chuck norris’ will.
A man once asked chuck norris, ” which is better the yankees or the red sox” chuck norris replied “ME!!” and roundhouse kicked the man to death……twice
Chuck Norris now has sex with men…not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris once played a piano with his balls. the result was music so sweet that every pregnant woman within 20 miles gave premature birth to their children who later grew up to be millionaires. except for one. he turned out to be a crack addict and was subsequently roundhouse kicked to the neck.
Chuck Norris beat God at Paper-Rock-Scissors a million times in a row. An hour later he immediately guessed who the killer was in Clue as Jesus was opening the box.