Kaonashi Ga Suki

Dear Bruce Willis,

Dude.

What the fuck happened to you?

You used to be so cool.

I first saw you in “Moonlighting”, as David Addison, the handsome, witty, charming, easygoing foil to Cybil Sheperd’s uptight Madeline Hayes. I loved your smart mouth, your sly grin as each week you try to talk your way out of another wacky situation. I was only about 9 years old at the time, but being that I’m a smartass myself and thought you were really cute, I fell in love with you right then.

Then you made your way to the big screen. You’re such a versatile actor- one minute an action hero in Die Hard, the next a confused ex-surgeon in Death Becomes Her, to the caring child psychologist in The Sixth Sense. Don’t even get me started on your roles in Pulp Fiction and Sin City. You sir, are a genius in them.

You married Demi Moore, and we all thought that it was a match made in heaven. Demi is so much like you. She’s also a talented actress; she’s witty, gorgeous, and unafraid to speak her mind.

You guys produced several beautiful children together. They really look half like you and half like Demi.

Then one day you guys split up. Oh sure, we were disappointed but not too surprised. After all, you were a Hollywood couple. It’s not as if we actually expected it to last. After a while, you guys started dating other people. Again, it wasn’t a shock to us. You were both just moving on with your lives.

But then Demi pulls a stunner and starts dating Ashton Kutcher, who is like, half her age. We were stunned. Is this another one of Ashton’s pranks? Is America being Punk’d? At the same time, however, it was refreshing to see this reverse May-December romance. So what if Demi is older than Ashton? It’s about fucking time older women openly date younger men. After all, you men have been doing it for hundreds of years. I mean, look at Clint Eastwood. The man is older than God and his wife is what- 40? Geraldo Rivera’s current wife hadn’t been born yet when he opened Al Capone’s vault and found nothing but his missing career.

But let’s get back to you, Bruce.

So your ex-wife is shtupping this kid and everyone in the universe knows about it. What do YOU do?

You attend the Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle premiere with her, him, and your children.

We thought to ourselves: what the fuck man? Is this some sort of weird joke? Again, the “Punk’d” rumors floated. Surely this is one big joke: why the hell would Bruce Willis be in the same vicinity as his ex-wife AND her lover? Not to mention the fact that you actually did a cameo in her movie?

I’m tellin’ ya Bruce- it looked weird. Downright creepy. Ashton totally looked like he didn’t belong with you guys. It was like, “Oh, look, here’s Bruce, Demi, and their children. What a lovely looking family. Oh, and who the hell is that back there? Their daughter’s date? The babysitter? The gardener? OH SHIT, IT’S THAT DORK FROM DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR!!”

Then we figured- well, you came for the children. You wanted to see your kids, gritted your teeth, and bore the pain.

Now the events of this past week have got us wondering again what the hell is really going on with you.

So your ex-wife marries Ashton, and you attend the ceremony????? Is. This. Fucking. True???

I don’t know if it is or not, but what I do know is that you have agreed to appear on an episode of “That 70’s Show”. I saw a commercial for it yesterday.

Whaaaaa???

Why, Bruce?

Why?

Why would you appear as a guest star on a show that features your ex-wife’s new husband???

If I used to be married, I wouldn’t be caught in the same state as my ex-husband’s new wife. You think that Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes go shopping together? Or Billy Bob Thornton and Brad Pitt are on the phone trading secrets to better hair highlights? I think not.

But you- you my friend, are different. You actually hang out with them. You like hanging out with Ashton.

What has Demi done to you? Surely she’s done something to you. It’s the only explanation to your behavior. Did she rip your balls off and refused to return them during the divorce settlement? Did you realize that she actually looked more badass when she had her head shaved compared to when you rock the baldness?

Talk to me dude. I’m listening.