Kaonashi Ga Suki

The summer before my junior year of college, my boyfriend left for Japan to teach English at a high school. Because two of his previous long distance relationships had failed, he couldn’t go through a third one, so he ended our relationship.

Of course, I was devastated. I argued and pleaded with him, telling him that things would work out. But he was more pessimistic and felt that in the long run, this was the right decision.

Although it was a rough summer, I still had my family with me and didn’t feel that alone. However, when I returned to campus in the fall, it hit me really hard. You see, we met in college, and when I returned to campus, everything I saw reminded me of him. Everywhere I turned, I saw his face.

I was very depressed. I really wanted to get over him, but it was hard. I had to find some way to take my mind off him.

I decided that I should meet new people.

However, I didn’t exactly go about it the right way.

Instead of introducing myself to my neighbors and attending social events, I turned to the one thing that would never leave me:

The Internet.

Now, some of you know from an earlier post that I was no stranger to internet chatting. My roommates and I have dabbled in it before, but never really seriously. I decided to fire up IRC and see what happens.

The chat room I usually ended up in (#California) was a total meat market. Guys would hit on any girl who entered the room. Naturally, when I type, “Hi, I’m a 21 year old Asian female. Who wants to talk to me?”, they swarm to me like bees on a flower. Within several minutes I would be having private chats with as many as 7 people.

Night after night, I chatted with complete strangers. I didn’t know their real names, nor their faces, hardly anything about them. Sometimes the chats would be very platonic and casual, but most of the time they were flirty and highly sexual.

I realized that I enjoyed these chats mainly because I was flattered that they wanted to talk to me. I craved the attention that these guys heaped upon me, even though they were only represented as text on a screen. In a way, I felt that my boyfriend chose Japan over me, and that hurt me a lot. I felt rejected by him, and when these people started talking to me, telling me that I was hot and what kinds of things they wanted to do to me, I felt needed. Wanted. Furthermore, unlike the termination of my real life relationship, on IRC, I was in control. I flirted with these guys, but once I grew bored all I had to do was say goodbye and sign off. No muss, no fuss. If I wanted to, I could come back 5 minutes later under a different sign name, and none would be the wiser. I could reject people in a non-confrontational manner.

I became addicted to chatrooms. I would be on IRC every night for hours on end. Whenever I grew bored with #California, I would check out other chat rooms. Over time my anonymity over the Internet led me to become bolder. I would meet some “regulars”, and we’d talk dirty to each other. Yes, I woujld have internet sex with them. Lots of them. To be honest, it wasn’t much fun. In fact, it became boring really quick. The only small pleasure I got was seeing that I was able to sexually excite them by just typing a few words.

Fortunately, not all my experiences in chat rooms were composed of textual wanton debauchery. I did eventually meet some people on IRC who didn’t have a sexual agenda. I was a huge “South Park” fan in college and therefore ventured in the #Southpark channel. I got to meet several really cool people in the channel. Most were teenage boys, but we talked about other stuff such as computers, and “South Park” of course.

The most interesting thing was that the boys often talked to me about their own relationships. Two in particular stood out from the rest. One was a shy, slightly overweight boy who was very good with computers; a terrific student but nervous around girls. The other boy was the complete opposite. He was the rocker type- long hair, slender build; he smoked pot, has been having sex with his girlfriend, but at the same time he was highly intelligent. In a way, I became their counselor, giving them advice about their personal life, about their families, etc. Both really respected me. It was a refreshing feeling from the slimy guys I would flirt with back in #California.

Eventually I spent less and less time at #California and spent more time at #Southpark. I realized that I didn’t need some guy to tell me I was hot in order to make myself feel needed. I just needed people to listen to me.